THE GHOST POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie on the toilet paper, but there's no poopie in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's no poopie on the toilet paper.
THE WET POOPIE
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POOPIE
This poopie happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poopie some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POOPIE
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE
The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POOPIE
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE
The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your buns so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POOPIE
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POOPIE
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE
A poopie so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
This poopie has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POOPIE
This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.
A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface after many flushings.
A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion,but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POOPIE
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE
Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poopie (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near poopie-ing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOPIE
This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poopie.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poopie.
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Fear of poopieting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
Also known as a "Still Going" poopie.
THE POWER DUMP POOPIE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poopie.)
THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE
The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUTT" POOPIE
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poopies. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
So just why DID the chicken cross the road? Here's what the "experts" have to say:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
The Pope: That is only for God to know.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C. Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Roemello - What's it to you?! I mean what is everybody's infatuation with this innocent little chicken crossing the road anyway? I don't know why it crossed, but I know where it ended up...mmmm...chicken...
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it cross it, I've not been told!
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.