THE GHOST POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie on the toilet paper, but there's no poopie in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's no poopie on the toilet paper.
THE WET POOPIE
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POOPIE
This poopie happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poopie some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POOPIE
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE
The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POOPIE
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE
The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your buns so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POOPIE
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POOPIE
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE
A poopie so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
This poopie has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POOPIE
This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.
A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface after many flushings.
A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion,but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POOPIE
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE
Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poopie (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near poopie-ing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOPIE
This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poopie.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poopie.
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Fear of poopieting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
Also known as a "Still Going" poopie.
THE POWER DUMP POOPIE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poopie.)
THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE
The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUTT" POOPIE
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poopies. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
HOW TO ANNOY PEOPLE
Adjust the tint on your TV screen so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way"
Drum on every available table surface
Staple papers in the middle of the page
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"
Set alarms for random times
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to "lick the flavor off"
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" sound
Honk and wave to strangers
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse your room mates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Magic"
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode
Buy large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route whole streets
Pay for your dinner with pennies
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes
Write "X-buried treasure" in random spots on road maps
Light road flares on a birthday cake
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley
Leave tips in Bolivian currency
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador"
Push all the flat lego pieces together firmly
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks
Wear a cape that says "magnificent one"
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song
Drive half a block
Name your dog "Dog"
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination
Ask people what gender they are
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl
Forget the punchline of a really long joke, but assure the listener that it was a "Real Hoot"
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off in case "the big one comes"
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up
Change your name to James Aaaaaaaasmith for the great glory of being the first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce every "A"
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
Chew on pens that you have borrowed
Sing along at the opera
Mow your lawn with scissors
Finish all your sentences with the words "In accordance to the Prophecy"
Incessantly recite annoying phrases such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket"
Stare at the static on the TV and claim that you see a "Magic Picture"
Select the same song in the jukebox 50 times
Scuff your feet on dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more at anytime
Never make eye contact
Never break eye contact
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.