"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I
mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided
mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another
answering machine message when you call me...
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no
ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey
shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition.
try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call,
the machine did not work.
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave
your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck
taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need
siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office
don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If
you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3
on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to
work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you
leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial
your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension
4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called,
please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number,
and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers,
but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you
want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as
soon as I find it.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't
remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something
about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of
twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave
your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
back, it's you.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave
your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I
to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and
after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the
attention of the FBI.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally
encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to
explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.
the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at
tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by
your phone until I call you back.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a
pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing
your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You
telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes
on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when